Depression is a bitch, especially when you are tortured by your own thoughts and dreams, you have no escape. At the end of my day on my drive home all I could think about was dying how I was ready to give up and throw in the towel. With that being said, I would never have the courage to take me own life. But like I said today in therapy, if I got in a car accident and died I wouldn't necessarily mind it. I don't think I could ever do that to the people I love. The people who love me. I sat in my driveway for an hour today after a gruesome session with my psychiatrist because I was frozen.. Could I just walk inside and go to bed? Could I resist the urge to end my life? Could I walk away from a razor blade and not cut? Did I really trust myself to be alone? Could I take my normal dose of medication and not take a cocktail of things to make myself numb? In all of these thoughts going on inside my head everyday I forget to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a business women, and an above average student. But Most importantly I forget to be me. I'm not really sure what being "me" is anymore. I do not recognize the person I see in the mirror. I see a failure, a weak, empty, sad, worthless human being who feels like shit on the bottom of a shoe every moment of the day. The person who normally kicks depressions ass, well, she is losing this round.
Like I said normally I kick ass and take names at this depression business. But this time around it is different. I feel like I have terminal depression and it will end up killing me eventually. My depression always makes me feel like I'm in this deep hole I always see a light at the top and end up crawling out, usually someone throws me a rope to guide me out... But now? I am at the bottom of a pit that is so dark I can't see my hand if it was in front of my face. Right now there is no light at the top for me. So where do I go from here? In high school we were asked to make a blueprint of our life.. It could be for any amount of time.. How you were going to spend the rest of your life, or how you are going to make it through the next ten minutes. The truth? I have no effing clue. People are telling me to set goals and objectives for the next day.. I can't think about the next day, I have to think about how I'm going to make it through the next ten minutes. Am I going to be able to get out of bed tomorrow? To get out of my house? To be around people? You know what they say, when it rains it pours. I was asked today what I can do to get out of this hole I'm in... The truth? I feel like I'm never going to get out. Normally I see light at the top, without the light I have no hope. Depression is a flaw in chemistry, not a flaw in character. This post does not change the person I am. This is the raw truth about what goes on in my head on a daily basis right now. This ladies and gentlemen is depression at its finest. I will be damned if it wins this round, because I am a fighter.. No matter how weak I feel. I will continue to fight. There is no other option for me. So my blue print is to fight like hell. To not let depression win. To be happy to wake up in the morning. To be able to survive the next ten minutes. That's all I can do right now, because I am a survivor and eventually I will win.
